Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
