your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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