What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
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