the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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