I met the friendliest cop last night
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
