Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
