i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
