i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
