Small penises have feelings too.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
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Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
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He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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