I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
