I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
