i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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