Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
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She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
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Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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