I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Randomize
