Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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