If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
