first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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