just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Letd wlk him
Lrtd walek hime
Lets wlk home,,,ther we go
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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