She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize
