Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
