apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
