im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
