I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Randomize
