dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
