Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
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