so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
