well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
