M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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