so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
