He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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