i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
