The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
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