Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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