you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
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