if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
