I'm so fucking centered right now
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
