she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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