dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
