just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
