the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
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