went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
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Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
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Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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