Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
