Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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