Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
