I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
