the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
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