Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
My dick has a subreddit
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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