im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Randomize
