so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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