there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize