he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
