I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Sober January is a disaster.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
