Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
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i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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