He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
