Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i love accidental penises.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Randomize
