loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
