I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
