Pregnant stripper...not hot.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
